Monday, April 23, 2012

Gracie Goblin and the 1 Year Hiatus

I openly admit that I have been cheating. I have spent the little free time that I have in my writing world in the arms of another blog. A totally different blog with totally different motives; one that doesn’t even really exist yet. Right now it is purely a fantasy, a vividly creative fantasy. So is it really cheating, if it’s just a fantasy?

I’ve been forced to reevaluate what this blog really is to me. It is my wagon wheel. A place I can document anything and everything infinitely imaginable including black holes, right?! So why the long pause, why the one year hiatus? It is because I cannot put to words the experience of the birth of my daughter. My daughter, who upon breaking my water caused a city wide power outage all the way to Mexico.
You think that freaks you out?! I feel blasphemous just writing about it. The events of the entire experience are so colorfully imprinted on my mind, the pain branded into my retina. They say a woman forgets the pain. Biology makes it this way so that we continue to have more babies. I won’t forget and yet I don't need to. I succumbed to an epidural, that helped a bit. Regardless, if I could I would have a hundred babies. Every labor experience is magic. There are so many things I will never forget, so maybe I’m taking a great risk by not documenting the experience, but I feel confident the real reason is that in this case: there are no words. She takes my words away.

So call it a hiatus, call it writer’s block, whatever it is, I realize if I do not write through it I will lose all that is special about putting words on paper; I guess in this age text on screen.

Parenthood is amazing. I don’t want to go into it any more than that and how the hardest part was going back to work. I ache for her every minute I am away and only do it because I feel strongly that it is good for her to build the strong relationship she has with her Grandpa (her care provider). I understand that I am blessed.
What I really want to document after all of this catch up is simply back to the yoga mat. I did not practice in the hot room during my pregnancy. I was afraid of the heat and having lost a baby previously (not yoga related) I couldn’t take the risk. I practiced Rajashree’s pregnancy series in the comfort of my living room and I still wonder if this was the right choice, for me and for Grace. I think something happens in parenthood when every day worries related to yourself diverge into everyday worries related to someone else. Again, it is biology making a mother protective of her baby but it really becomes obsessive. There is SO much to be afraid of during pregnancy and it’s exponential once the baby is born. Not just in pregnancy, in life.  There are so many things openly available to scare the crap out of you, so many things to keep you awake at night thinking about all the soul suckers and all of the infinitely imaginable ways they will find access to suck out your soul. I’m beginning to believe the only thing you can do is stand tall on your mat, don't be scared, take a deep breath, full lungs, drop your head back and basically let go.

1 comment:

  1. How did I miss this! I love it! The power outage: what a great birth story for Gracie to carry with her :-)